Happiness is a gift.
We all bring along in life with us things that make it hard to feel happiness. I have never found being happy easy. Stress and fear are more normal feelings that I have. That is why the people I admire have helped me so much in my life. I see them as the ultimate survivors who have turned lemons into lemonade. I did not have many good guides in my life. Guilt was somehow infused into my life whether just from my perceptions of things or what happened in and out of my house. Maybe I was born sensitive or became so over time but how does one know. I remember seeing a show on TV about what would happen if an atomic bomb went off and the diseases people would get. After seeing that I began to fear that I had been exposed to an atomic bomb because of the diseases I had. Those people in the show were going to die so I figured I would die as well.
Also growing up I thought I was going to die before I was 24. It made living life have to happen quickly since I was not going to live much longer as the years started to approach my 24th year. Not sure where this belief came from, possibly the death of my Aunt Pat which was so hard on my mom or hearing or reading about some other young woman. I know I never felt healthy and no one seemed to be able to figure out what was the matter with me. I had to wait until I was about 35 to get a diagnosis. So death did not seem so improbable.
So happiness is not something I was chasing. When I see happy little people who are very carefree I am envious. I don’t think I was ever that child. At least not in my memories. Not sure when it all started but maybe it is a passed down trait. I wonder if people see that in me? Do they have a clue about how I feel most of the time? I doubt it since I learned early to put on a show.
That is why I would tell people that when you run across happiness grab it and hold on to it for as long as you can. It might actually last longer if you find a way to embrace it. Don’t take it for granted either. I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop and fighting for that feeling to go away wears me out. So run with life and look for opportunities to be happy and take advantage of them.
And don’t worry, I can make a list of all the wonderful things I have in my life which I have already written about, my husband and my children and my grandkids. That does not mean that I am not always waiting for that shoe to go clunk. It is just who I am and I have learned to live with it most of the time.