October 17, 2015 – It starts again – and being at war with oneself

I have not written in a while because there is a war going on between my psyche and my body.  For some crazy reason I wake up around 5 am every day in a panic.  For some reason the idea of going to Salt Lake for a week to do something I enjoy doing bothers me.  It may be the old “I don’t deserve” to do things I enjoy or just the stress of doing something altogether new for me.  God only knows but the wild dreams I have been having which are all painful, waking up soaked with sweat,  and then the panic whenever that starts is driving me nuts.  Don’t suggest finding a good therapist. I have a great psychologist who knows me very well from working with me in the past and helping me deal with some transitions in my life as well as figuring out some parenting issues over the years.  He does not know all my secrets but he knows enough about me to hit the nail on the head most of the time.  And I have his cell number to call when I really need help, at least he gave it to me and I am not sure where it is now.  One thing I am doing is making appointments to see the endocrinologist to see if they can figure out what is totally out of order with those chemicals.  And I am also going back to the Stram Clinic to talk to them about more natural ways to cope with all of this crap.

I am not depressed at all, I am darn angry about this.  I have been sick since the time I was born and have had to deal with auto immune problems before anyone knew what they were.  In the beginning I was kind of a failure to thrive baby since my mom could not produce enough milk to feed me and she lost at least 10 pounds during my first few months and I gained nothing.  That was probably not a great way to start life.  In a third world nation I might have died but here in the US they had just started making Dexin baby formula, it was powered I think and they put me on that in June or July of my first year.  Then I started to gain although I was still little naturally.

Then at 2 I developed alopecia which is just another autoimmune disease, then if you look at my physical history it is pretty obvious my thyroid was not functioning starting pretty darn young.   At 19 some doctor send my blood away to be tested and it came back that I needed thyroid.  He said take it for six months and you should be better. Little did they know in those days that it does not get better but then who knew right?  At about 35 again finally a Doctor tested me and said you really need to get on thyroid and stay on it. So that is when that all started for the long haul.  Also at that time I developed adult asthma which appeared to be a reaction to pregnancy.  Yup, strange but with each kid it got worse and worse.  Don’t even ask for an explanation – just weird, totally weird.

Then at some point someone at work had gone to see this allergist who was into food allergies and delayed response allergies,  Well, he tested my blood and lo and behold it came back that I was allergic to 19 of the 20 basic foods on the list. I went on a diet and lost 20 lbs only eating what he said was safe – almost starved to death since the things I could eat were mostly things I would die before I ate.  Finally gave up on that and figured I would eliminate things I could go with out but go ahead and eat other things.  But I still had terrible attacks at times that sent me to the ER so I looked at that list again and what I had eaten before the attacks and there it was in black and white – Beef – the only food on that list that I tested immediately allergic to.  So since that day I have not had a bite of beef that I know of.  And no visits to the ER.  Sometimes with a cold that goes into bronchitis or pneumonia I will have to go to urgent care to get a breathing treatment but nothing desperate like in the old days.  MY BODY HATES ME!!!!

You may think that is extreme but I am sure that people who suffer with other more horrible auto immune diseases feel that way.  I have learned to cope with most of them but something is always popping up and biting me in the butt.  So therefore this tirade about my annoyance and pursuit of a doctor who will help me figure some of this out.  I think my primary thinks I am nuts.  I am not according to the professionals who check that stuff out. Nor am I a hypochondriac.  I would give anything not to wake up having trouble breathing, or having to deal with any other physical problems. Energy would be a gift and after reading the blog on facebook that found its way to me “Hypothyroid Mom” I see that I am not alone in trying to figure this stuff out or that so many of the symptoms I have are not my own. That was a huge relief to me.  Thousands of us have trouble getting up and going every day and when we really put out a great physical effort  we pay for it shortly there after. The feeling of exhaustion is endless.  My goal is to get someone to prescribe Armour natural thyroid to see if that will make a difference.  Many people seem to think it makes a difference – even a placibo response would make me happy.  Thinking it will make me feel better so it does.  So we shall see.

Now for the next thing – Last night we went to our first hockey game of the season.  Was disappointed that Union tied because they ran out of steam. I wanted to ask them how much partying they do during the week or like after last weeks big win.  After all if you break training for one evening you lose two weeks of training effect.  If they have been they deserve to be smacked, if they are just getting into the groove, then okay, they looked really good when they had the energy but then they lost it and got way too many penalties one after the other to be able to hold the other guys off. f

Fun to see where all the kids are from and what was the last team they played for before coming to Union.  None of them are 18 year old frosh. They are all a bit older than that. Interesting it is not in the program, their age.  There are 4 NY staters, 2 from Ill, 2 from Quebec, 2 from PA, 5 from MAss, 2 from BC, 1 from ME, 1 from SK, 1 from AB, 3 from NJ, 2 from ON, 1 from Sweden, and 1 from WI.  Good cross section  of hockey land.  And 11 of them played in Canadian leagues. Two played in Brockville. and 5 played in BC. The kids from Maines team were 6 canadians, 1 Swede, 1 Brit,  and the rest US. They of course are a much larger school that Union.  So we shall see what the season brings. Next week we will see both the guys and the gals play.  One game at 3 and the other at 7:30 both Saturday and Friday.

Our neighbors attend the games and are season ticket holders, she told me they have had the same seats for 23 years. Everyone around us seemed to know each other so I guess we will get to know some new folks as the season goes along.  Have to wear my Union gear if we are going to sit there. They come all decked out.  Kind of nice.

Well I want to see what Charlies been up to so let me go and get his diary up and check it out.  It appears the young nephew Charlie is living out there again.  He loved this family like his own as his mother had died and dad remarried and I don’t think there was a great relationship between step mother and the kids. Here is a picture of Charles the younger – with his wife and baby daughter. and others  Charlie is on the left and his wife in front of him – Mayme, and his daugther.  Believe couple on the right are his brother Mike and his wife looks like Laura. will have to check.


February 1900

Feb 1 – Teddy Brown helped me to get out logs.
Feb 2 – Took logs to Lyndhurst. Got groceries and tobacco for Vandusen.
Feb 3 – Fergus took logs for me. Mr. Legg ……..
Feb 4 – Sunday – Stormy but Fergus and I go to Mass
Feb 5 – Lots of snow this morn. No mail. No school. Mr. Dale arrives.
Feb 6 – went to Gan with lumber $16.00. Fergus to party at Patsy Lappans. Charley comes home with him. Madeline sick.
Feb 7 – To Gananoque again with wood. I changed watches with E. O Webster.
Feb 8 – rainy day. Had to quit drawing wood as it rains too hard. Madeline better and bound to go to school. She does not eat enough but when Emily tries to make her eat she gets sick.
Feb 9 – went to John Bryans wood bee. Poor old chap looks like death itself. Joe and Johnson Moorehead here but Fergus was at Ella’s for eve.
Feb 10 – Fergus and Chas help me draw hay off creek. Then Fergus goes with Nane Donnelly to Athens.
Feb 11 – I took Madeline for her favorite drive on the frozen lake. Then we all went to Slacks for tea and eve.
Feb 12 – Fixed pump at other house. Fussing with pig, got hurt, almost broke my nose.
Feb 13 – Rained all night and most of day. Cleaned 6 bushels wheat for mill but too icy to take it.
Feb 14 – Cold and very icy. Vandusen here now usually at noon as well as eve. Emily and I feel sorry. She give him left overs too. – St. Valentines Day.
Feb 15 – Teddy Brown helping here. Madeline gets Valentines present from her Aunt Susie who never forgets her.
Feb 16 – Very fine day. Brown helps me. I’m not well tonight.
Feb 17 – Very sick all day and night.
Feb 18 – Sunday – still very sick. La Grippe.
Feb 19 – Bridget Flood and Percy here.
Feb 20 – So sick Emily sends for Dr. Gardiner.
Feb 21 – still very sick but no worse.
Feb 22 – A bit better. Gardiner good Dr.
Feb 23 –Friday – Am on gain today. Fergus goes to McArdles for eve. Mrs Lappan there this eve and brings a piece of beef to make broth for me. She is a good soul.
Feb 24 – Brown helps Fergus get some wood in this morn. Mary Ann, John and Katie McArdle come to see me as Fergus told them I was ill.
Feb 25 – Very cold and rough. Fergus goe to Phillipsville and on to some friends but home early because of storm.
Feb 26 – Very cold and coldest this winter. Arthur and Annie Slack came last night to see how I was and to invite us to a party in their home tonight. Fergus goes.
Feb 27 – Very cold. Emily sick all night. Chas comes back with Fergus after party so he drew wood out and took 2 basswood logs to Lyndhurst after noon. Harry Gilbert here for visit then Henry Willis. Emily quite sick.
Feb 28 – Not so cold so I get out today and Emily better. Chas draws up school wood.


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