January 24, 2015 – Losing ones mind

Happiness is not something ready made.

It comes from your own actions?

                               Dalai Lama

No I am not talking about my mind.  Today we went to the Union vs RPI Woman’s Hockey Game over at RPI and met our friends Pat and John there at the game  We had a great time and were sad that the woman lost again. They did not play as well as last night against a team they could have beaten.   After the game we went to the Latham Circle Diner to eat.  John told us about his Dad and dealing with his dimentia and how he is the sibling doing most of the work and how it has helped him develop a new and different relationship with his Dad.  So much of what he said sounded familiar to me.

When my mom started going down hill mentally it hit me hard. Not knowing what to do or where to go for support, things were not as progressed in terms of family support as it is now.  I at times was filled with resentment of having to be there for her. I did not like the role reversal. Remember she raised me to be a princess and dealing with a failing mother was not part of that deal.  But I did what I knew I needed to do.

At some point in the years I experienced a total change.  I went from doing what I knew I needed to do with an underlying resentment to seeing the entire experience as a gift.  I had time with my mom no one else had.  She would sit and pat my hand and say “my daughter, my daughter’. She would just sit and hold my hand.  I would take her down to the cafeteria in the basement of the rehab center attached to the nursing home and buy her snacks she was not suppose to eat. It was a wonderful opportunity to give back to her for all she had done for me as a child.

She could not speak but she knew what was going on around her.  When she decided to stop eating she would not look at me. I tried to give her ice chips and she shut her mouth tightly.  She knew what she wanted to happen and I had to make the decision to let her go.  It was so painful but at least the nurses knew what to say and how to deal with me. Mom had made her decision and I needed to respect that.  What we had shared over the 8 years of her little strokes that slowly took her away.  As I have said before she was on no medications when she died so if she had had her mental faculties she would have been great fun and could have stayed in her own home or my home. Oh well, it was not meant to be.

I hope as I get older here that I will hold on to my brain.  That is the scariest thing to me. So many of my friends are dealing with parents with Dementia that one wonders if it is because we can take care of the bodily diseases but have not figured out the brain yet.

Watching the US Figure Skating Woman’s Championships.  One of our local kids came in second in the Junior Championships that I assume that next year we will be seeing her on TV .  All those years of hard work.

Make your own happiness.


2 thoughts on “January 24, 2015 – Losing ones mind”

  1. My gift today was that Ian minded all of my dependents so I could have 5+ hours solo unpacking my mom’s things. This all strikes a major chord…


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